Growing up

The last few days it’s really felt like shit has gotten real. This blog was meant to be about ‘growing up’ and suddenly I find myself thinking that perhaps I should’ve been more careful about what I wished for. And over and over again these past few days the same image has popped into my head, the image of two signposts pointing the same way down a rocky road. The top one of the two signs says “LEARNING” and the bottom one of the two signs says “PAIN”. Ironic, isn’t it, in that familiar way that life always seems to be. And so here in response to all of the pain and the learning is a poem that I wrote (because honestly, I’m too busy going down that road to form cohesive paragraphs for now). Enjoy x

 

Thorn in my side

 

They say that our eyes are trained to see difference

To spot what lies in contrast from the rest

Foreground

Background

What fits in

And what stands out

 

You stood on the horizon of my seeing

And as much as I tried to get you out of my sight

You stayed

 

And try as I might to make you disappear

I was transfixed

 

I couldn’t make you look at me like all the others did

And I couldn’t make you feel about me like all the others felt

 

You were the thorn in my side

And you stuck

 

I couldn’t get you out

 

I tried my hardest with the best tweezers in my set

I used the new ones

With the sharpest point

And the best precision

Annoyingly you didn’t budge

As much as I wanted you to

 

Or as much as I needed you to

 

When the tweezers didn’t work I tossed them away

And I clawed at the spot where you lay inside

I tried to scratch you out

But the red mark still remains

And it’s etched into my skin:

A memory of when I tried to make you disappear

 

When my fingers didn’t work I used my intellect

Hands by my side I closed my eyes

And with all of my mind’s power

I wished you away

 

I saw you differently

I reframed what you were

 

I have the power to control my own world

And you will no longer be a thorn

 

But perhaps you can be a seed for something new?

 

(I peeked with one eye while I was doing this)

And I looked down

Damnit! You were still there

 

And the truth is you were still there

The truth is your truth stares me down

Tugging at a deep discomfort

Far, far below

 

I don’t fully understand what you have to say

And I don’t fully understand why you have arrived

 

But you have

And I know

It is something I don’t like

 

And so we sit here

This fucking odd couple

Me and you

Me and the thorn in my side

And every now and then I’ll attack you

Or I’ll approach you

And plead

Please please please

 

Just go away

 

And I keep on doing this

(it’s the definition of insanity I know)

Though maybe one day

I might learn

Or I might understand

Just how to be with you

Just how to sit with you

Here

Alone

 

With your pain

And with your fear

Here

Alone

 

With your pain

And with my pain

 

With your fear

And with my fear

 

Because they say that our eyes are trained to see difference

And you’ve arrived here standing apart from the rest

And I’m transfixed on you

Because you’re the one that sticks

Thorn in my side

Dawn on my horizon

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s